Post by Bryan Sweet on May 18, 2017 2:43:06 GMT
A shirtless Bryan smiles into the GoPro attached to his surf board as he floats in calm waters.
“Congratulations Dirk, you’ve still got it and by IT I mean the ability to humiliate yourself every time you speak, tweet or whip out your little baby-dick to take a piss.”
He gasps.
“My gosh, did the great Bryan Sweet just resort to a dick joke?! He did, it’s called humor, you should consider it instead of bitching and moaning like Summer after you’ve wowed her with the Bentley-bedroom-express, AKA two squirts and a snore.”
Bryan shrugs.
“I’m sorry Dirk, I am. I’m sorry I turned what you’d hoped would be a respectable match into something… dare I say… entertaining. I’m also sorry I insulted your blood clot baby. That was horrible of me. I know a failure like that must’ve been hard for you swallow, regardless of how much practice you’ve had. But kudos my friend, no matter how many times life finds a way to fuck you up the ass you just keep lubing up for another round. Just remember that sooner or later that sphincter of yours is going to perforate and then you’ll be in for a big smelly mess.”
Bryan wrinkles his nose.
“I misspoke earlier. I insinuated that there was no humor in your promo. What I should’ve said is that there was no INTENTIONAL humor because I did have a good laugh when you lectured me on the lengths you’d go to for the love of a woman. You talked about what happened to Summer the night Ashleigh Jericho clipped your knee as if you’d made some noble sacrifice. Sure you took your lumps so Lawless wouldn’t dump Summer on her horse-face but have you avenged her? Let me save the hamsters in your head needless rotations… you have not. You’ve kept your distance from Jericho and Lawless while getting emasculated by Gregory during a match you shouldn’t have even bothered showing up for.”
He shakes his head.
“Do you remember what happened when Restitution injured pre horse-face Summer? I burned his childhood home to the ground and went toe-to-toe with him in what may have been the most brutal series in RWF history… and guess what, her and I weren’t even together at the time. So don’t lecture me on the lengths you’d go to when it comes to protecting a woman. The lengths you’d go to are avoiding Lawless and Jericho. And the woman? Motherfucker the woman you're saving is YOU.”
He blows a kiss to the camera.
“But wait, I’m a glory-hound for sticking my nose in your match with Gavin because evidently everyone’s been chomping at the bit to see the two of you go another round.”
Cue dramatic eye roll.
“You’ve been around this sport a long time so tell me in your infinite wisdom, why the fuck would Zooey book YOU against Gavin immediately after losing to ME? Are people clamoring to see you lose twice in one month? Can they not get enough of the past his prime redneck? I’m not trying to steal your thunder. It’s quite the opposite. I’m defending our generation lest this crop of newcomers think we’re all sawft like you. So sit the fuck down and THANK ME for showing Grimes what we’re all about.”
He shakes his head.
“I saw you’ve signed with DARC… I want you to listen to me and know that this comes from the heart… don’t do it. Don’t tarnish your legacy any more than you already have. Don’t be that washed up has-been with saggy man titties who the crowd pops for simply because you were able to land a superkick without breaking a hip. These kids want to make a name off you. You said it yourself, I took time away and rested up. I gave my body a chance to heal while you were out there looking like an extra from the Walking Dead. Don’t do this to yourself. Think of your fans. Think of Summer. Think of blood clot baby. Is this what they’d want? Do them all a favor and this time when I plant your ass on the canvas, stay there. There’s no glory left for you, only misery and heartache. We are who we are, it’s too late to change. You can’t learn to win any more than I can learn to lose. The sad part is deep down inside you’ve already accepted this loss, you just can’t bring yourself to say the words. Here, let me help you. Repeat after me… I cannot beat Bryan Sweet, no matter how badly I want to, no matter how hard I try.”
Bryan chuckles.
“Repeat that mantra a thousand times and learn to accept it, perhaps then you’ll finally find peace.”
“Congratulations Dirk, you’ve still got it and by IT I mean the ability to humiliate yourself every time you speak, tweet or whip out your little baby-dick to take a piss.”
He gasps.
“My gosh, did the great Bryan Sweet just resort to a dick joke?! He did, it’s called humor, you should consider it instead of bitching and moaning like Summer after you’ve wowed her with the Bentley-bedroom-express, AKA two squirts and a snore.”
Bryan shrugs.
“I’m sorry Dirk, I am. I’m sorry I turned what you’d hoped would be a respectable match into something… dare I say… entertaining. I’m also sorry I insulted your blood clot baby. That was horrible of me. I know a failure like that must’ve been hard for you swallow, regardless of how much practice you’ve had. But kudos my friend, no matter how many times life finds a way to fuck you up the ass you just keep lubing up for another round. Just remember that sooner or later that sphincter of yours is going to perforate and then you’ll be in for a big smelly mess.”
Bryan wrinkles his nose.
“I misspoke earlier. I insinuated that there was no humor in your promo. What I should’ve said is that there was no INTENTIONAL humor because I did have a good laugh when you lectured me on the lengths you’d go to for the love of a woman. You talked about what happened to Summer the night Ashleigh Jericho clipped your knee as if you’d made some noble sacrifice. Sure you took your lumps so Lawless wouldn’t dump Summer on her horse-face but have you avenged her? Let me save the hamsters in your head needless rotations… you have not. You’ve kept your distance from Jericho and Lawless while getting emasculated by Gregory during a match you shouldn’t have even bothered showing up for.”
He shakes his head.
“Do you remember what happened when Restitution injured pre horse-face Summer? I burned his childhood home to the ground and went toe-to-toe with him in what may have been the most brutal series in RWF history… and guess what, her and I weren’t even together at the time. So don’t lecture me on the lengths you’d go to when it comes to protecting a woman. The lengths you’d go to are avoiding Lawless and Jericho. And the woman? Motherfucker the woman you're saving is YOU.”
He blows a kiss to the camera.
“But wait, I’m a glory-hound for sticking my nose in your match with Gavin because evidently everyone’s been chomping at the bit to see the two of you go another round.”
Cue dramatic eye roll.
“You’ve been around this sport a long time so tell me in your infinite wisdom, why the fuck would Zooey book YOU against Gavin immediately after losing to ME? Are people clamoring to see you lose twice in one month? Can they not get enough of the past his prime redneck? I’m not trying to steal your thunder. It’s quite the opposite. I’m defending our generation lest this crop of newcomers think we’re all sawft like you. So sit the fuck down and THANK ME for showing Grimes what we’re all about.”
He shakes his head.
“I saw you’ve signed with DARC… I want you to listen to me and know that this comes from the heart… don’t do it. Don’t tarnish your legacy any more than you already have. Don’t be that washed up has-been with saggy man titties who the crowd pops for simply because you were able to land a superkick without breaking a hip. These kids want to make a name off you. You said it yourself, I took time away and rested up. I gave my body a chance to heal while you were out there looking like an extra from the Walking Dead. Don’t do this to yourself. Think of your fans. Think of Summer. Think of blood clot baby. Is this what they’d want? Do them all a favor and this time when I plant your ass on the canvas, stay there. There’s no glory left for you, only misery and heartache. We are who we are, it’s too late to change. You can’t learn to win any more than I can learn to lose. The sad part is deep down inside you’ve already accepted this loss, you just can’t bring yourself to say the words. Here, let me help you. Repeat after me… I cannot beat Bryan Sweet, no matter how badly I want to, no matter how hard I try.”
Bryan chuckles.
“Repeat that mantra a thousand times and learn to accept it, perhaps then you’ll finally find peace.”