Post by Bryan Sweet on May 11, 2017 5:18:28 GMT
Wearing a pink party hat that reads, “It’s A Girl” and with a candy cigar perched atop his bottom lip, the smiling face of Bryan Sweet fills the screen.
“I’m baaaaaack!! …only this time it’s with a plus one. I’m sure you’ve heard the news. I’m CERTAIN ol’ Dirk Bentley threw on his grandpa bifocals and let out a hearty guffaw when he saw sweet little Wren burst onto the scene. After all those years of playing Rosco P. Coltrane to my Dukes of Hazzard, Dirk finally has some ammo to use against me. My worst nightmare someone referred to her as.”
Bryan chuckles while taking a bite out of the chocolate cigar.
“Worst nightmare.”
He allows the words to marinate.
“Only she isn't. All Wren does is add another notch on my belt in our idiotic little, anything you can do I can do better contest.”
His brow quirks.
“Think about it Dirk. After years of winning titles I’ve abandoned, marrying women I’ve forsaken and consistently coming up short against me, I’ve proven myself worthier than you in yet ANOTHER arena. You cackled and convulsed and dribbled out your defective little seed into Summer only to have it all go to shit when she sat down on the toilet and oops, queefed out a blood clot. Just like that visions of baby Bentley were flushed away conjuring up memories of that time I gave you a much deserved and highly televised swirly.”
Bryan mock flushes a toilet and covers his mouth while waving bye-bye.
“Newsflash Fucko, I love my daughter. Things have been looking up recently and she’s a big reason why. So be my guest and take a swipe at the newest addition to the Sweet legacy, but know that you won’t hit pay dirt there. I’m not ashamed of my daughter and I don’t feel guilty that my crap bag parents kept her from me for this long. I’m just happy to finally know her and for the opportunity to help shape her future, and that my friend is as real as this shit gets. You didn’t expect that response, did you Dirk? Sorry to disappoint.”
He winks.
“What else you got? I dated a nineteen-year-old?”
He covers his mouth in mock horror.
“Sweet baby Jesus, how could I? I must be a deviant! But I’ve owned that one too. Assholes like you think it’s my fault that women in this business flock to me. But it’s not my fault it’s YOUR’S. You’re a bunch of self-centered pricks who don’t know the first thing about how to talk to a woman beyond hash-tagging her with a WCW and wondering if she’s down to fuck… and goddammit Bentley you can’t even do that right. Sitting over there like some fat-fingered Parkinson’s patient who manages to typo three times on a two-letter word. I’d tell you to use voice-to-text but your phone wouldn’t know what the fuck you’re saying either. It’d probably just call you an asshole and then brick itself.”
He glances down at his watch.
“Damn, I thought limiting my time on this promo would make it easier on you but I gotta be honest, it’s not looking good.”
Bryan sighs.
“You challenged me so I have to ask… HAVE YOU GONE MAD?! Did you think this time would be different, that I’d spare you the humiliation? Did you hope that maybe I’d softened with age and together we could hold hands in the middle of the ring while singing Kumbaya? Let me make this clear to you and anyone else who would ever dream of challenging me. The ONLY thing that’s changed is that I’ve gotten a little gray around the edges and my tolerance for assholery has lessened. I may be older but I can still run circles around ALL OF YOU, and that’s in the ring AND on the stick. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking I’ve aged gracefully like some fine wine. I’m still the same shot of hard liquor that’ll kick your teeth down your throat before leaving you to wake up with one hell of a headache. This isn’t old school or new school, this is MY school and when I speak you’d damn well better listen.”
He leans closer.
“Years have passed but the song remains the same. There isn’t a ring, a fed, or a goddamn alternate reality that I can’t beat you in. That doesn’t come from a place of anger or hate, it comes from being superior to you in EVERY way. You say I’m cocky. You’re right. Why the fuck wouldn’t I be? Now let’s see you do something about it for once in your pathetic life. Only you can’t, so you won’t… and this time there IS shame in trying.”
“I’m baaaaaack!! …only this time it’s with a plus one. I’m sure you’ve heard the news. I’m CERTAIN ol’ Dirk Bentley threw on his grandpa bifocals and let out a hearty guffaw when he saw sweet little Wren burst onto the scene. After all those years of playing Rosco P. Coltrane to my Dukes of Hazzard, Dirk finally has some ammo to use against me. My worst nightmare someone referred to her as.”
Bryan chuckles while taking a bite out of the chocolate cigar.
“Worst nightmare.”
He allows the words to marinate.
“Only she isn't. All Wren does is add another notch on my belt in our idiotic little, anything you can do I can do better contest.”
His brow quirks.
“Think about it Dirk. After years of winning titles I’ve abandoned, marrying women I’ve forsaken and consistently coming up short against me, I’ve proven myself worthier than you in yet ANOTHER arena. You cackled and convulsed and dribbled out your defective little seed into Summer only to have it all go to shit when she sat down on the toilet and oops, queefed out a blood clot. Just like that visions of baby Bentley were flushed away conjuring up memories of that time I gave you a much deserved and highly televised swirly.”
Bryan mock flushes a toilet and covers his mouth while waving bye-bye.
“Newsflash Fucko, I love my daughter. Things have been looking up recently and she’s a big reason why. So be my guest and take a swipe at the newest addition to the Sweet legacy, but know that you won’t hit pay dirt there. I’m not ashamed of my daughter and I don’t feel guilty that my crap bag parents kept her from me for this long. I’m just happy to finally know her and for the opportunity to help shape her future, and that my friend is as real as this shit gets. You didn’t expect that response, did you Dirk? Sorry to disappoint.”
He winks.
“What else you got? I dated a nineteen-year-old?”
He covers his mouth in mock horror.
“Sweet baby Jesus, how could I? I must be a deviant! But I’ve owned that one too. Assholes like you think it’s my fault that women in this business flock to me. But it’s not my fault it’s YOUR’S. You’re a bunch of self-centered pricks who don’t know the first thing about how to talk to a woman beyond hash-tagging her with a WCW and wondering if she’s down to fuck… and goddammit Bentley you can’t even do that right. Sitting over there like some fat-fingered Parkinson’s patient who manages to typo three times on a two-letter word. I’d tell you to use voice-to-text but your phone wouldn’t know what the fuck you’re saying either. It’d probably just call you an asshole and then brick itself.”
He glances down at his watch.
“Damn, I thought limiting my time on this promo would make it easier on you but I gotta be honest, it’s not looking good.”
Bryan sighs.
“You challenged me so I have to ask… HAVE YOU GONE MAD?! Did you think this time would be different, that I’d spare you the humiliation? Did you hope that maybe I’d softened with age and together we could hold hands in the middle of the ring while singing Kumbaya? Let me make this clear to you and anyone else who would ever dream of challenging me. The ONLY thing that’s changed is that I’ve gotten a little gray around the edges and my tolerance for assholery has lessened. I may be older but I can still run circles around ALL OF YOU, and that’s in the ring AND on the stick. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking I’ve aged gracefully like some fine wine. I’m still the same shot of hard liquor that’ll kick your teeth down your throat before leaving you to wake up with one hell of a headache. This isn’t old school or new school, this is MY school and when I speak you’d damn well better listen.”
He leans closer.
“Years have passed but the song remains the same. There isn’t a ring, a fed, or a goddamn alternate reality that I can’t beat you in. That doesn’t come from a place of anger or hate, it comes from being superior to you in EVERY way. You say I’m cocky. You’re right. Why the fuck wouldn’t I be? Now let’s see you do something about it for once in your pathetic life. Only you can’t, so you won’t… and this time there IS shame in trying.”